• Shona Dee

Making Friends with Fear and Uncertainty


‘What you resist will persist…’

If you were to look closely at your life to this point, would you see any patterns? Certain scenarios replaying themselves; a particular type of person causing you chaos; the same situation happening over and over again?

I have seen it in myself and I see it now in some of the people in my life.

When I was younger I was a magnet for controlling, domineering personalities. A key figure in my life was a narcissist, and as a result I grew up with a somewhat warped view of what I did and did not have to tolerate. I didn’t know that I had any personal power – much less how I should use it.

I was fearful of bullies and bossy people because I didn’t know how to deal with them. I thought that they were both superior to and stronger than me and this left me feeling completely powerless and miserable. I felt this way for many years.

I married young in an attempt to feel safe in the world. I thought that a husband would make everything better – that he would somehow be able to protect me from the baddies (including the narcissist) and help quell the fear that seemed to be a fundamental part of who I was.

Well, my marriage didn’t ‘fix’ me. In my naivety I truly believed that it would. I believed that if I could simply control what was happening around and outside of me, I would be OK.

Sadly, my fears did little more than transpose. As a wife I became fearful of other things. I was fearful that my husband would leave; fearful that I would one day end up all alone. I wondered what I would do if this happened – I convinced myself that I wouldn’t survive it. I convinced myself that the absence of both a husband and a strictly planned and tightly organised life would kill me.

Now, I believe that we attract what we fear.

One otherwise fine day in 2015, my worst fear was finally brought to life. My husband left, and I was alone. In an instant, my firmly controlled world was gone and an extremely uncertain future lay before me.

We never really know what we’ll do if our fears are realised. We think we won’t cope. We think that the world will stop spinning. We don’t for a minute think that we may be manifesting our worst case scenario or scenarios by way of our obsessive thoughts and fearful energy.

The things we give our focus, attention and energy to very often become our reality.

Sometimes it needs to become our reality so we can let it go. Once our worst fears are realised they lose their power over us. And we learn, little by little, that they never had real power over us. If we’re lucky, we eventually learn how to MAKE FRIENDS WITH FEAR AND UNCERTAINTY.

Once we lose the fear, it will stop becoming our reality.

And THIS is why we should endeavour to drop the fear – to make friends with it. Once we truly become comfortable with the fact that we don’t have ultimate control over external influences, once we accept that our true and only power lies in our reactions, we find peace. We learn to trust in the process and to have faith in our own resilience and ability to get through whatever life, in all of her beautiful and messy glory, throws at us.

The realisation of my fear ultimately resolved it. I had to have my heart shattered and my life ripped apart to prove to me that I was stronger than I believed – that I didn’t need to be a slave to all things external. That I had all that I needed within me.

The realisation of my fear gave me acceptance. And with acceptance came LOVE. Love for myself and for my life, and for all of the beautiful people and things in that life. Despite its demise, my marriage was not a failure. It taught me many things. It taught me grownup love. And its death taught me that there truly is nothing to fear.

Truth is, until we accept that we CAN’T control everything around us; until we accept that the only thing we CAN control is what we will and won’t accept into our lives, we will never be truly free of fear.

Whatever it is that you’re currently dealing or battling with, consider making a commitment to yourself today. Make a commitment to:

  • Look at past and current patterns and behaviours, including who you have been letting into your life to this point

  • Identify those patterns, behaviour and people that are not good for you

  • Identify what it is you fear about these things, or about losing these things… bearing in mind that we attract what we fear

  • Let what is no longer serving you – no matter how familiar and comfortable it is – go

  • Lastly, trust in the process of life. Trust that once you are brave enough to make friends with fear and uncertainty, life will reward you

I now consider my unwanted divorce to be one of the greatest things to ever happen to me. It grew me up. It made me face my fears head on. It brought unhealthy patterns and habits into focus. It taught me how to be comfortable with uncertainty. It taught me that I truly have nothing to fear.

Now, over to you - are you struggling to make friends with fear and uncertainty? What's been your biggest challenge? Please, let me know in the comments.

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